City of Lowell Considers Request for Name Change

On Saturday, City of Lowell councilmembers met at the Lowell Area Chamber of Commerce building on the Riverwalk for Coffee with Council. These monthly events offer an informal opportunity for councilmembers to meet with citizens and hear their concerns. All councilmembers were present at the recent meeting except Councilmember Leah Groves.

Also in attendance was I. Maurice Hye, a businessman who is planning to bring a marijuana dispensary to W. Main Street. As part of his proposal, Hye asked if the city would consider changing its name.

“Lowell could be a cannabis destination, but not with a name like Lowell,” he said. Instead, he suggested the community consider a new moniker such as Potsville, Hightown or Reefer City. Hye added that he envisioned inlaying bricks on city streets in the shape of marijuana leaves and replacing streetlights in the historic district to replicate marijuana paraphernalia.

According to Hye, these changes would signify Lowell as “the premier place for marijuana enthusiasts.” He also offered to cover the cost of these upgrades.

Lowell councilmembers did not appear to rule out the idea. “It’s an interesting suggestion,” said Mayor Mike DeVore while stroking his beard. “I mean, no one else in the state is doing anything like this.”

Councilmember Marty Chambers agreed, saying, “I drive truck all over the state and have never seen anything like this anywhere else – not even in Ann Arbor.”

City Manager Mike Burns said that he wasn’t sure if residents would be onboard with changes to the historic district, but Councilmember Jim Salzwedel replied that he didn’t think the idea should be ruled out yet. “If people don’t like the changes, they just don’t have to look at the street while driving,” he added.

“Have I ever told you about this time in high school,” Councilmember Cliff Yankovich giggled before launching into a story that made Burns appear visibly uncomfortable. However, just as Yankovich was starting to explain what he and his friends were doing behind the bleachers, a large group of people carrying tiki torches walked by on the Riverwalk.

“Oh, thank goodness,” Burns said. “A mob.”

Burns ran out after the group and found them congregating around one of the social district fire pits. The group had apparently gathered to dispose of books deemed unacceptable and were throwing them into the fire. Titles being burned included The Kite Runner, The Glass Castle and Chicka Chicka Boom Boom because “the alphabet gave us CRT, DEI and SEL,” according to one participant.

While Burns tried to disperse the crowd, a second group approached to see what was causing the commotion. Double-masked and draped in rainbow flags, this group was aghast to see books in the fire. “Sheesh, don’t they know you don’t burn books you don’t like?” asked one person. “You use them for craft projects.”

“You can’t just shut out ideas you don’t like,” another person said. “Everyone deserves to be heard.”

At that, a woman clutching the book George began to explain her reasons for not wanting the title in a school library. However, she was quickly interrupted by a man in a pink leotard. “No guurl,” he said. “We didn’t mean you.”

Burns pulled out his phone, opened up Indeed.com and began scrolling job listings.

Fortunately, Police Chief Chris Hurst then arrived on horseback. The horse – named Thumper – is the department’s latest acquisition from the federal surplus equipment program and will be part of a new equestrian unit used for crowd control during the Riverwalk Festival and the Sizzlin’ Summer Showboat Concert Series.

Hurst was able to break up the two groups, with the colorful group singing showtunes from Mamma Mia and heading in the direction of the school admin building. There were apparently on their way to donate the collected works of John Green to the school system.

The group with the torches decided it was time to go home and post photos about the event to Gettr after symbolically deleting Facebook from their phones. “Serves Zuckerberg right for banning my president. What a commie,…doesn’t he know censorship is un-American?” one man said as he threw a final book in the fire.

Burns invited Hurst to join councilmembers in the Chamber building, but he declined. Jon Ronson, author of “So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed,” was scheduled to give a presentation to the Lowell Police Department later in the morning, and Hurst needed to prepare for that.

Back in the Chamber building, councilmembers asked Burns what was going on.

“Oh, it was nothing,” Burns said. “Just the annual Lowell’s First Look April Fools’ Day article.”

Happy April Fools’ Day!

And there you have it folks: the only fake news you’ll see on Lowell’s First Look this year.

We really didn’t want to offend anyone with this article so we thought we’d try to offend everyone instead. It’s been a crazy year, and we’d be ok if you’d like to give us less to work with next year.

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