Emmanuel Hospice: Unresolved Grief: Coping With Goodbyes That Never Were

Each month we will be bringing you a newsletter piece from Emmanuel Hospice. Emmanuel Hospice has been recognized as one of the Best and Brightest Companies to Work For in West Michigan and in the nation. The article below was written by Emmanuel Hospice.

Through glass.

It’s how untold thousands of us expressed our last goodbyes to those we loved, tied to an ongoing pandemic that prevented us one last opportunity to squeeze the hands and kiss the cheeks of those drawing their last breaths from deathbeds.

They include Jeremy Eden of West Michigan, who watched and prayed and grieved but was otherwise unable to be there for the deaths not only of his father in May 2020, but his mother five months later. Dennis succumbed to cancer. His wife, Donna, had multiple health issues, but it was COVID-19 that eventually claimed her.

Both died in their hometown of Flanagan, Illinois, a village of 1,110 residents.

Rather than being able to hold their trembling hands or stroke their heads or offer a final hug, Jeremy and other members of his family could only watch it all unfold through glass, masked and distanced.

They couldn’t gather at close quarters with others from their tight-knit Midwest community and reminisce about Donna’s love of gardening and her affinity for spending time with family. Of Dennis’ allegiance to NASCAR, his lifelong role as an expert welder, the way he wielded a fishing pole.

“Unresolved grief is a complicated grief,” says Jeremy’s wife, Miranda Eden, who has worked some two decades as a music therapist, the last year solely at Emmanuel Hospice.

Through tears, she relates how Jeremy watched helplessly as his dying mother used hand and arm motions to convey her love to her son in those final days.

“She made gestures, she pointed at my husband, and then held her chest and then put her arms around herself and then pointed again at him,” she says. “So much of it was only eye contact and body language. But at least they could have that experience together.”

It’s Miranda’s job to promote music as a salve. But the glass gets in the way, too, of a guitar and lyrics and the strumming that should be happening just an arm’s length away instead of from across a room or in an entirely different room.

Still, as close as she can get, she plays because it fills a void. Because it brings feelings to the surface, resurrects long-buried memories.

“We hear a certain song, and suddenly we’re welling up,” Miranda explains. “The music and the lyrics can represent unspoken emotions.”

With or without music, Miranda says unresolved grief needs to be processed, if only partially. She offers these tips:

• Remember that feelings want to be felt. Try to take time daily to acknowledge how you feel in a given moment (maybe even aloud to yourself or a trusted person) and choose self-compassion for whatever those feelings are before moving on with the rest of your day.
• Take care of yourself. Grief can affect your sleep, diet and more. Consider journaling your journey. Write down positive thoughts to counteract the negative ones. Revisiting your entries later provides perspective.
• Try to focus on the good times you had with that loved one, and not what you can’t do now. In lieu of being there in person as someone transitions into the final stages of the dying process, instead dedicate a poem, plant a tree or name a bench in their honor.
• If you are moving on with your life or finding happy moments, it does not mean that you have forgotten your loved one. They can remain with you as you find a new way of being in the world. Death is the end of a life, not the end of a relationship.
• Accept that everyone grieves differently. Don’t try and measure your grief journey against anyone else’s. Don’t try to set a timetable.

“I don’t feel that grief is ever really totally resolved,” Miranda says. “We just find new coping mechanisms. Death becomes part of our new life without them.”

Another way to cope is to focus on the deceased and how they would have wanted those grieving to carry on.

“I have to live my life for those loved ones I’ve lost,” she says. “I think that attitude can keep us from becoming depressed. We can honor a loved one by living our best lives.”

 Emmanuel Hospice’s grief support services are open to anyone in the community. If you or someone you know would benefit from guidance or someone to talk with, please call 616.719.0919 or visit EmmanuelHospice.org.

         

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