On March 7th Dr. Michele Coyne presented Bullying: What We Know and What We Can Do. Coyne is a specialist on bullying helping teachers, parents, and students understand how actions affect others. Her hour-long information session provided insight on how those in leadership roles can recognize, deter, and understand the mistreatment of others.
Address Mistreatment
What is a bully? Is there a specific profile in which a person falls? Are there characteristics to look for when identifying a bully? The quick answer is no. The popular kid in class, the quiet kid, the all-star athlete, the kid without many friends, the class clown, the naughty kid, and the list goes on. Adults can also take on the bully definition. Additionally there are no economical, social, religious, or other categories in which bullying behavior is more prevalent. Anyone can be a bully.
Bullying is believed to be a component of mistreatment which is intentional, occurs when one party feels superior to another, and the behavior is repeated. In order to reduce this mistreatment and the harm it causes it is important to understand why an individual fits the definition and not confuse it with merely being mean or acting out.
The stopbullying.gov site references three types of bullying. The actions of verbal, social, or physical abuse can be from an individual or a group. Frequently acts of bullying are not reported by the recipient or individuals who witness the actions. Typically a fear of continued negativity or being targeted is the reason an adult or person with authority is not notified.
According to the above mentioned federal government’s webpage on bullying about 21% of students age 12-18 experienced bullying in 2014- 2015. But this behavior can also observed in elementary school. Younger children still learning and developing social skills can find it difficult to know how to control and react to negative behavior. Together Against Bullying lists ways to differentiate between teasing and bullying. The site indicates, “Teasing is playful, good-natured and goes back and forth. Bullying is one-sided. Teasing makes up a small part of the relationship. Bullying defines the relationship. Teasing stops when the child tells the other person they do not like it. Bullying continues even after the victim asks for it to stop.” Addressing mistreatment is the starting point for teaching empathy and changing the mindset of recipients of negative behavior.
What To Do vs What Not To Do
It’s easy to stereotype and label people as a bully, victim, or bystander but this way of thinking can imply that the corresponding definition is permanent. A person can be part of one category and move to another from day-to-day or feel stuck with a label therefore lacking motivation to change. Zootopia’s Nick Wilde was labeled as a sly and cunning fox even though as a kid he wanted to fit in and belong. He decided to lead a life of crime because that’s what others expected of him. While bullying exists and has a definition placing someone into the category of a bully, victim, or bystander is typically not productive.
If a mistreater understands how his or her actions and words make another person feel awareness of unwanted behavior helps curtail negativity. Likewise, giving the recipient the ability to reduce the mistreater’s power through actions and words results in unwanted results on the part of the person being negative. Empathy on both sides reduces mistreatment and builds resilience.
Focusing on a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset aids in growth and change on the part of the mistreater as well as the recipient of negative feedback. A mistreater can learn to take on challenges and ask for help if needed without feeling trapped therefore acting out in an aggressive manner. It’s important when feeling powerless to recognize asserting negativity on others is not a solution.
The recipient of mistreatment can also have a growth mindset, which allows the reactions to change. Someone who has experienced negativity does not have to look inward and wonder if there’s a reason for being mistreated. A positive reaction could be knowing the issue is with the other person, asking the person to stop, or walk away from the situation. Don’t give power to the mistreater.
Those who witnessed the mistreatment of others can take action. Talking to either or both the mistreater and the mistreated one-on-one can be of help. Let the mistreater know his or her actions were noticed and not appreciated. Talk to the mistreated and let him or her know you saw what happened and recognize it was wrong. A bystander can also step in and say something to the mistreater when the situation is happening or merely remove the mistreated from the situation.
As an adult it’s important to listen when you’re being told about bad behavior. Rather than labeling the reporter as a tattle tale thank him or her for the information. Then as an authority figure determine what if any action should take place. Children should feel comfortable going to an adult in a time of need even if they’re unsure of the severity of the situation.
Use Feedback Not Praise
Oftentimes a mistreater promotes negativity because getting negative attention is better than no attention. It’s also second nature for adults to react to negative behavior rather provide feedback for positive actions. Sometimes taking note of bad behavior with someone without punishment is enough to let the person know they’re being watched but won’t receive a great deal of attention for the behavior. Negative and positive praise does not allow understanding. The growth mindset is one in which feedback is given and received.
As an adult looking at a picture a child drew it’s easy to say “Nice job!”. In this example of praise the child knows he or she did well but not why. What did you notice about the drawing? Why is it ‘nice’? Providing feedback in a manner in which details are recognized shows you’re paying attention. Positive reinforcement encourages the continuation of good behavior. Similarly if naughty behavior is noted with just a “That’s not nice.” it may be unknown why the action is not nice without providing feedback.
When children (and adults) realize peers and those with some sort of authority such as a parent, teacher, or coach take note of the good and bad empathy becomes easier. Imagine if you were asked, “How are you doing? I noticed you’re smiling did something good happen?” or “You look worried. Is something on your mind?” rather than a canned “How are you?”.
Learn and Educate – Make a Difference
Bullying exists. What one chooses to do about it is what will make a difference. Being aware of what bullying means, how to deal with it, and how to prevent it is the first step. A bully does not have to remain a bully. A victim does not have to face negativity for the rest of his or her life. And bystanders can do something to make a difference. Through a growth mindset being mean, being picked on, and the search for power through negativity aren’t set in stone.
The presentation at Cherry Creek may have been missed. But another opportunity for parents to learn about keeping kids safe on the internet is happening this week. Protect Young Eyes will be presented at the Lowell High School Performing Arts Center on March 15 at 7pm. This program is for adults but childcare will be provided. Topics including cyberbullying, pornography, sexual predators, and damaged reputation will be discussed.
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