Thoughts from the Therapy Chair with Joe Martino: Relational Equity Part 3

This is a portion from my book, The Emotionally Secure Couple. It deals with the idea of building relational equity. While the book was written for couples, this principle applies to all relationships.

A common pushback I get on this idea is that it seems nearly impossible and it could set a person up to be in a bad position for a long time. I mean, who’s going to do something and not expect anything in return? That’s why it’s a paradox. The husband who commits to loving his wife no matter what, for as long as it takes, will often win her over… eventually. The wife who commits to loving her husband regardless of how he acts for as long as it takes will eventually melt the ice around his heart.

One of the biggest factors in the ice not melting is the truth that we don’t usually give it time. We take years to build up hurts, wounds, and scars that all coalesce into this numb, frozen blob of ice called an emotional heart. Then we get mad when it doesn’t change in days or weeks. We need a renewal of the words commitment and endurance. We have to stop thinking that we have to feel something in order to do it. This is patently false in almost every other area of our life. We don’t always feel like going to work, but we do. Why? Because we want that paycheck. The idea that we have to want to do something in order to do it is really a terrible way to live our lives.

There are many things we force ourselves to do before it becomes something we want to do. Allowing yourself to believe the insidious lie that you must want to be loving with your spouse before you will act loving toward them enslaves you to a fate that is almost guaranteed. You are removing the possibility of changing from the equation. You are saying that your feelings are the supreme dictator of your actions.

Think about this with children. Would you allow your children to throw a temper tantrum simply because they felt like it? You expect your children to act in a certain manner despite how they feel. This ability is key to a marriage turning around from a negative and destructive narrative to a healthy and positive one. You must be willing to approach your spouse in a way that is completely loving, despite how you feel. This intentionality builds relational equity because it tells your spouse that you are someone who can be trusted. It tells them that you care about the relationship first and foremost. When they truly believe this, they know you are going to do what is best for the both of you.

When we build relational equity, we create a space where bad things can happen but not define the relationship. We create space for a fight to occur and no one has to pay. We move back to a time when differences were celebrated. Do you remember that time? Probably when you were dating, you celebrated the differences between you and your spouse. Whatever was different was cute and adorable and proof that you were meant to be. If you’re caught in a bad narrative, those same differences are now lamented. If you’re not caught in a bad narrative but want to improve your relationship, you still need to consider being intentional to build relational equity. Why? Because relational equity is either growing or shrinking—there is rarely an in-between. When we have relational equity, we can go through a fight because the anger associated with our fights is filtered through the lens of wanting to protect the relationship and the heart and soul of our partner. The fight is a scene in a chapter but not the whole story of our relationship.

Relational equity must be built intentionally. You must control your tongue when you are talking to your spouse. When you are in a stressful moment, you must control what you say, how you say it, and how you hear what is said. To be healthy, a person must control how they hear what is said. This doesn’t mean that you should act as though you didn’t hear what they said. It means you make sure that you know what they said before you respond. Think about how many arguments you’ve had because you answered a question before you knew the question being asked. Later in this book, I’m going to teach you some simple communication techniques that can transform your relationship. They are simple but not easy. They will build equity in your relationship.

Communication is not the only way to build relational equity, but it is one of the biggest ways to do it. Before we get into any other area of how relational equity, and thus emotional security, is built, we need to look at a foundational beginning. That foundation is your assumptions of the other person. When you hear what your spouse is saying, do you interpret it through the lens of a generous assumption or a cynical assumption? Do you try to see it in the best possible light or do you default to the worst possible interpretation? So much of interpretation is about our own focus, our own lens. I am amazed at how often people will consistently assume the worst about someone with whom they have decided to raise children and spend the rest of their life together. When we start with a positive assumption, it allows room for us to explore with our partner what they meant without raising defensiveness. It allows us to let them know that we love and trust them while maybe not agreeing with them.

How Is Relational Equity Built? There is a myriad of ways that couples can build equity into their relationship. Being intentional with their time is certainly one of them. Spending a quantity of time together is important. I know we often hear that quality matters more than quantity and for a season of life, I agree with that. Certainly, there are times when we have to limit the amount of time we can spend together. But over the long haul for most couples, quantity will be just as important as quality.

What I’m Not Saying I can already hear some guy saying, “See, you have to stay with me no matter what I do!” No, you don’t. You can choose to leave. If he’s hitting you, leave. Leave right now. Come back to this book. But leave. If your children are being hit, leave. If your partner is flaunting their affairs, leave. If they have an addiction that is terrorizing your family, leave. You don’t have to live with someone to commit to love them unconditionally. People who are being abused should leave. They do not have to live in that hell. Sometimes, it is the cold wakeup call of someone saying, “That’s it, you can’t do this anymore” that causes people to actually change. I cannot say this strongly enough: if you are in danger, leave.

Joe Martino is a counselor with Joe Martino Counseling Network.  He has locations in Lowell, Grand Rapids, Greenville, and Grandville.  For more information about Joe and his business, check their website or Facebook page.  He and the rest of the counselors and staff are eager to help those in need.

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