In a surprise move, Lowell Charter Township filed paperwork with the State Boundary Commission late yesterday afternoon to annex the City of Lowell. If their petition is approved, the city would become part of the township.

When reached for comment, Lowell Township Supervisor Jerry Hale said annexation simply made sense.

“Look, most of the growth in the area is in the township and not in the city,” he explained. “And we already have all this cool stuff – the park, the bridge, the fairgrounds – we thought: why not have the city too?”

Asked if city residents would see a reduction in their property taxes, Hale laughed. “Oh good heavens, no,” he said. “We’re going to need that money.”

City Manager Mike Burns doesn’t seem to be onboard with the idea of annexation though. “I…I don’t think they can do that,” he told Lowell’s First Look.

However, a representative from the State Boundary Commission, Bea R. Cratt, assured us that the township can. “We have a special rubber stamp for these types of requests,” she said. “If the city objects, we’ll let the court system sort things out.”

Burns later called back to say that he felt he had found a way to resolve the matter without going through the State Boundary Commission or the courts. “There’s an obscure section of the Home Rule City Act – section 493.31(1798) – that lays out a rather elaborate process for disputing an annexation petition,” he shared.

Apparently, both the township and the city have to appoint a representative to meet at a specific time. “Then, they hold out one hand palm up and put their other hand in the palm as a fist. After a count to three, they need to either keep their hand as a fist, lay it flat or hold out two fingers,” Burns read from the statute. “It all sounds very complex,” he added.

Mayor Mike DeVore, who was nearby, offered to be the city’s representative, but Burns dismissed that idea. saying, “No, Mike, it’s not time for amateur hour.”

It has been decided that Burns will be the city’s representative and Hale will represent the township. Since there will undoubtedly be citizen interest in attending, the showdown will occur at high noon on April 1 on Main Street in front of the Riverwalk.

Police Chief Chris Hurst is apparently in the process of procuring a tank from the federal surplus program to park on Main Street and block traffic. When asked if he had received permission from MDOT, Hurst replied, “I don’t care what MDOT says. I’m putting a tank on Main Street, and I’d like to see them try to stop me.”

All officers from the Lowell Police Department – including the mounted, K-9 and feline units – will be on-hand for crowd control.

If you head down to the event, be sure to turn to the person next to you and tell them…

 

 

 

 

 

April Fools’ Day!

Yes, it is time for our annual fake news – and we’re not talking about the type of fake news that is simply something you don’t like. This is bona fide fake fake news. Nothing here is real. It’s all made up. We sincerely hope no township or city officials were harmed in the making of this parody. 😉